We are US... (I am HER... Book 3) Read online

  "The straps left marks," Z says quietly as I feel his hand move down my skin gently.

  "Of course they did. Did you see how tight they were on my back fat?"

  Laughing, I remember turning in the mirror at the wedding boutique a month ago wondering how the hell I could lose back fat as quickly as possible before the wedding.

  "I'm having a shower," I turn for the bathroom pulling off the little silk scarf I wore with my dress to hide my neck and shoulder burns as I feel Z's hand slide down my skin slowly before I walk away without looking back.

  Flicking off my heels as I go with only my panties and thigh highs on, I wish this night was so different. I know the look I have now walking away from Z is one on his favorites. Thigh highs and heels. Like a total man, he loves it.

  Whenever I've felt particularly naughty for Z I would pull out the thigh highs and heels knowing the look I would get. The dirty sexy Z look.

  Totally unabashed, sexy as hell, and growly dirty, Z's eyes always lowered a little and his sexy smile would turn me on instantly. When I dressed like that, he knew I wanted the awesome couch sex we have, and I knew he wanted to give me our hot couch sex.

  Tonight however, I'm filthy and post-vomit, and just nasty in my thigh highs and heels.

  Stripping off my clothing, I turn for the sink to brush my teeth, which desperately need it. Turning the shower on I continue brushing my teeth without looking in the mirror. I know what I look like, and I don't want to see her right now.

  After some mouthwash to aid the bad breath no amount of toothpaste could mask, I finally rip out as many bobby pins as possible, hastily brush out the ones I missed and enter the shower to wash away everything.

  What a fucking mess.

  When the water pressure changes slightly I know Z is showering in the other bathroom. He's probably taking his time hoping I finish first, so I'll crawl into bed first so he doesn't have to deal with me anymore tonight. And really, who could blame him?

  I was Psycho Suzanne again. I embarrassed him, and I hit him. I was a mess again and I don't want to even deal with me, so I’m sure Z is dreading it as well. I hate the way I was so I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling towards me.

  Scrubbing away all the makeup and repulsion from my face, I find I can’t even cry anymore. I think my one hour crying jag in the bridal bathroom was enough. I think I got all the physical tears out, though admittedly, I still feel all the emotion trapped tightly in my chest.

  The pressure and emotion is so powerful and strong it needs to somehow get out of my chest, but tears won’t do it anymore. I don’t know what will release the pressure though, which sucks for me.

  All I can do is simply wait for this pressure to build until I either explode again, or I have to wait and hope it fades a little to more manageable for me. But either way, I'm waiting without knowing how to ease the pressure that is tightening my chest to nearly unbearable again.

  Toweling off, I put on a nightgown from the little closet Z built in our bathroom so I always had post-shower clothes available for my spontaneous, 'Suzanne needs to wash away her past quickly' showers. Knowing I hate naked Z surprised me one day with the bathroom closet addition, even taking a little bit of room from the back of his own closet when I had been out all day with Kayla.

  He planned it perfectly, and had the wall and closet guys show up as soon as I left, so when I returned 8 hours later after a shopping marathon with Kayla everything was finished. Z even stocked the closet full of both the silken black nighties he loves, and with the yoga pants and cami tops that I love.

  Unbelievably, the closet door is even as waterproof as possible to prevent my clothes from getting steamy or damp, no matter how long my or our showers are together.

  He thought of everything, as usual. And for just a closet, which I'm sure anyone could add to their bathroom, I was so overcome with the gesture behind it, I cried happily after the initial excitement of a clothes closet in our master bathroom.

  I knew he knew what I needed. And I knew he paid attention every time I left the bathroom from one of my spontaneous I may freak out if I don't get clean showers, covered in a huge towel to cover my body shaking to run to my closet across our room so I could dress quickly to hide my naked from everyone, including myself.

  Amazingly, Z always pays attention to the little stupid Suzanne things I can't help.

  "Come here, love," he whispers from our bed.

  With only the light from our alarm clock glowing turned toward the wall, he also knew I would need darkness tonight. I couldn't stand the thought of him seeing my face or my body tonight, because though clothed, the silken night dress shows off my ample chest, and because I'm going to sleep I couldn't put on my face foundation to hide the color or the scars on my face and neck.

  I'm essentially naked though clothed, so I need the almost pitch darkness of our room to help me settle. And he knew.

  "Can I say one thing before we sleep, Suzanne?" Z asks as I almost crawl in bed.

  Pausing with my knee on the bed I exhale. "Of course you can," I whisper unable to see his eyes.

  "You hurt me tonight."

  "I know. I'm so sorry I embarrassed you."

  “It wasn't that, though that was pretty gross for me and Lucia,” Z almost smiles, I can hear. “You hurt me when you think the worst of me, and when you don't trust me,” he says softly, and I can actually feel his emotion seeping from his skin.

  "I do trust you. But some stuff I still can't talk to you about," I try, but he's already sitting up to argue with me.

  "It's not that either. Have I ever given you a reason to not trust me with women? I know you think they flirt with me, and I know you're insecure about everything you think doesn't make you and I physically equal, but have I ever given you a reason to not trust me with other women?"

  "No..." I breathe as our marital reality resurfaces once again. He has never given me a reason. It's always only me who does something wrong between us. "No, Z. You haven't. I'm just an insecure asshole," I admit before he laughs a little.

  "Come here," he says reaching for me. Before I can even protest though I'm already lying awkwardly on his naked chest. "You're not an asshole, love. But you do try my patience with your insecurity. I will never cheat on you. I never want to. You're the only person I want in my life, Suzanne. And I really wish you would get that soon because it hurts me when you don't trust me or when you think I would ever do anything with anyone but you. There is no one but you for me," he says so softly against my hair I feel it straight through to my soul again.

  "I'm very sorry," I whisper because I am sorry I hurt him every time I'm too insecure to not trust him like I should.

  "You're forgiven," he says squeezing me tighter to him with his smile-voice and I nearly weep in his arms.

  "Can you talk about what happened tonight?" Z asks after a few minutes of silence between us.

  "No." Whispering my reply I hope he lets it go, which he does when I feel him nod his chin against my hair again.

  "Can I kiss you good night, Suzanne?"

  "Yes, please," I barely say before I'm moved from his chest to my back with Z between my legs holding my face for an intense Z kiss.

  And then he kisses me. Beautiful, intense, and amazing. Z holds my face and kisses the holy shit out of me like he always does. From the little nips on my lips, to the gentle tongue movement in my mouth and on my lips, Z kisses me like he loves me.

  Moving against me, his body may want me, but he doesn't react. He just kisses me because that's all I can usually handle after a night like this. But not tonight. Tonight I want him to make love to me to help release all the darkness and pressure from my chest.

  "Please be with me. And before you ask, yes, I'm sure. I asked you. And I kind of need you tonight to make everything better inside me," I nearly beg in the silence between us when he stops kissing me.

  Waiting for his reaction, I can’t really see much in the darkness, though I do see his slow sexy smile before
he kisses me again. A little harder and hungrier than before, I feel the difference in his kiss immediately.

  Moving from my mouth, Z kisses my cheek which I hate, until he moves further to kiss my chest which I love. Lowering the spaghetti straps of my nightgown, Z clears my chest of material and as he takes a nipple into his mouth our moans are instantaneous. I love when he sucks me in deeply, and he loves when I move my body against his erection, which I suddenly can't control when he suckles me harder.

  Grabbing his short hair I pull him closer to my chest as my left leg suddenly wraps around this back. Moving and moaning a little, I almost turn us when the quick pleasure consumes me.

  "Touch me," he growls and I do immediately.

  Sliding a hand down his back, I just reach his ass to pull him into me harder as he groans again against my chest. Grinding against him as he works my other nipple, I feel the burn build quickly.

  When Z sits up suddenly on his arms, his knee slides between my legs and I find myself moving against it desperately. I need the pressure against my body, and I want to move against him as he watches.

  "I need to see you," he whispers as I nod. I knew he would. He always watches my face and eyes when we're together and I'm usually okay with Z watching me.

  Reaching for the alarm clock I flip it around quickly until there's just enough light to see his eyes clearly. Dark and delicious, and nearly closed he moves his knee between my thighs as I groan against him.

  "Suzanne," he whispers which makes my body react instantly. Grabbing at him, I pull down his lounge pants just past the huge erection waiting for me.

  "Off!" I gasp as his knee moves harder against me before he pulls it away to strip himself.

  Leaning back down to my mouth, Z begs, "Making love, sex, or fucking, Suzanne?" Pausing to absorb his dark voice, my body bows closer to him when I feel the sudden dampness I need escape me. "Which. One?" He asks with little thrusts against my body.

  Pinching my nipple as he waits for my answer I gasp and cry out, "All of them. Everything!"

  "Everything..." he smiles slowly as he moves away from my face again. Lifting me up, he rips my nightie from my body before stopping to stare at my face. "Everything?"

  "God, yes," I sigh before he kisses my lips hard again forcing me back into the pillows.

  When Z works his way down my body, he pauses to kiss my huge belly scar like he always does. And though I hate the scar, I always accept the gesture behind it. I know that scar is important to Z, and I know he needs to kiss it so he feels like he won't ever forget his son.

  Almost feeling the gesture myself tonight, I don't want to. Not right now, and not like this. I'll discuss the quick feeling I have for Thomas on Monday with Phillips. Right now though, I just want Z in our room with me. Actually, right now I just want Z.

  "Stand up, Z," I say abruptly when he's almost where I want him to be on my body.

  Raising his eyes to mine, he seems to understand, and though I sound a little weird with my demand, Z moves slowly off me and the bed anyway.

  Watching him move, I see every muscle he owns and every bit of his flesh that I love. He is always darkly tanned, delicious, and sexy as hell. Even in the ugly pink golf shirts he loves he’s sexy to me.

  Moving from our bed as Z waits silently, trying to breathe slowly I can see, I know he likes this. I also know I don't do it as much as he'd like, or as much as I should. He would never ask it of me though because he knows it’s hard for me. Usually just the thought of this makes me think of when I was little and didn't have a choice, and couldn't fight-

  "Suzanne?" He asks as I drop to my knees in front of him shaking my head to clear it.

  Stoking up his thighs, I smile up at him so he knows I’m okay just before licking the tip of him as he gasps slightly. He loves my mouth on him, and I love him loving my mouth on him.

  Grasping him in my hand I lean forward to take as much as I can as we stare at each other. Z always watches me and I love watching him watch me, too. There's something so intense and sexy about his body tensed up as I take him in my mouth. There's something almost special between us when he smiles down at me through gritted teeth when I start moving my mouth around him.

  I never know exactly what to do, but I always seem to do it well. I mean I used to read my filthy novels before, and I watched a porn once at Chicago Kayla's, so I have the basic knowledge- lick, suck, move tongue around. But it's the complete knowledge of what will make Z absolutely out of control I don't know because he never loses control with me. Even like this, with his chest pumping and his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, he is in control as he stares down at me without touching me because he knows I can’t be touched when I'm like this.

  Sucking harder we both groan at the same time. Me from causing his body to thrust a little harder in my mouth, and him from what I'm doing, I assume.

  "Enough." He growls and I can't help the smile on my face. I love that voice, and I love that intensity of his. "Lie down, Suzanne," he says dangerously when he pulls slowly out of my mouth with a groan.

  Moving backward toward the bed, my ass barely makes the mattress before he drops to his own knees and grabs my thighs over his shoulders as I gasp at the quick change in our bedroom.

  "Oh! God..." I cry out when I feel his tongue enter me quickly. Ahhh... Not pausing for even a second, Z takes me hard. With his mouth and his tongue and his fingers he is stretching me and burning me and eating me like a starved man.

  Using his fingers in me the way that touches that spot inside, his tongue keeps lapping at me until his left arm pushes my stomach down flat to stop all my movement. Holding me down, my hips still buck as my hands reach and pull his head deeper into me.

  "Please! Oh god..." I cry again when he impales me harder and faster. Flicking me with his tongue, I barely breathe until I hear his dark voice inside me.

  "Look. At. Me," he demands and my eyes open instantly to his. Licking me from below to my clit slowly Z watches me watch him and its sexy as hell. I love when he does that. I love his eyes staring at mine when he licks me slowly.

  I love when he "Ah!" Nearly turning us, my body jerks to the side as my ankle on his back pulls him in even closer when everything tenses inside me.

  Locking down tight, his fingers are too big inside me and his tongue is too rough against me. But I need "more..." I groan on a hard exhale as I suddenly feel his more.

  With his tongue deep inside me to catch my orgasm, Z pinches my clit until the white hot blast hits me as I scream and groan and flail on our bed. With my hands suddenly grasping the sheets, my head turns and I scream into the blanket next to my face while the convulsions keep going when Z continues.

  "Stop! Pleeeease," I whine until he slowly rises to lean over my body. Keeping my thighs over his shoulders, Z advances on me until crunched up into a ball he kisses my lips, transferring my own release into my mouth which I kiss greedily.

  Moving his body slightly, Z lines himself up watching me as he makes his slow entry. Lifting my ass right off the bed with our position, Z is inches from my mouth as he works himself inside me.

  Too full, and nearly too tight for him, he always goes slowly when he enters me. He works me slowly until I adjust and then he works me slowly until I beg.

  Moving my left thigh around his waist, my right leg stays up high between us, and though I'm not quite as flexible as Z gives me credit for the position stretches me until all I feel is the fullness and the depth of him deep inside me.

  "Look at me," he demands again and once more my eyes open instantly before he leans down for a kiss. "You are so beautiful, Suzanne," he whispers against my lips causing my slow smile and the tears that follow. He always gets me with his words, especially at times like this when I’m as free and as happy as I can be with him.

  "Are you ready for some fucking, love?" He asks with his sexy grin, and I know what's coming- the hard, sexy fucking that is more than okay with Z. The fucking I never thought would be okay between 2 pe
ople who loved each other. The fucking that was always bad for me before, but is amazing for me now.

  Nodding, I wait for his slow withdrawal before he enters me hard again on a gasp. Before I can even release my breath he's hammering into me and it feels so good, and I want it so bad, and I need this so much between us again. Moving against him, I find my hands ripping at his back to get him in deeper and harder and heavier in me.

  Crying out and grunting with his own grunts of pleasure, my body feels everything all at once. Our emotional connection, our sexual connection, and the lifelong connection I have with Z builds. Everything fills me until I'm so full of emotion I need release again.

  "I need..." but I don't know what I need exactly. I just need more I think.

  "Some sex? Got it," Z grins pulling away from me quickly to turn us so I'm suddenly on top of him. Not even slipping from my body, Z flips us to continue his own movements inside me until I take over.

  "Kiss me," he demands when I lean into him. Biting his lips first, he actually growls before thrusting up inside me so hard I cry out from the pleasure again. Huh. Lesson learned I almost laugh at his I'm the man sex grin.

  When I plant my hands on his chest and grind against him, his neck suddenly pushes back into the pillow as his stomach tenses in a vision so hot, I know what sex fantasies are suddenly made of.

  Grinding against him, lifting my hips and crashing down on him inside me, I realize Z is the ultimate sex fantasy. With his couple tattoos highlighting his abs and pecks and his delicious dark skin, he is the sexiest sex fantasy for any woman breathing. I know that, and I'm no more acutely aware of it as I am in moments like this between us.

  It's no goddamn wonder women flirt with him. I did too, I suddenly giggle until he lowers his chin to look up at me.

  "You are so sexy, Z. And I have you," I smile when he leans up on his forearms to kiss me.