This Is Me... Page 4

  Oh, god. I've never heard Marcus say words like this. He NEVER says words like this. Marcus thinks people are too dramatic and sappy, so he never says words like these. He hates shows of emotion, and yet here he is. God, he sounds so sad.

  “Suzanne, it's only ever going to be you, you know? I'm going to love you always. Especially after.”

  Oh, Marcus.

  I think my heart is breaking for him. I wish I knew what was happening so I could apologize and make it all better for him.

  If I could just speak to him, I would promise to try harder. I would promise to be better. I would promise to be good... If only I could speak to him.

  CHAPTER 6

  MAY 6

  How the hell do I wake up? This guy keeps asking me to wake up, but I'm not even sure if I'm asleep, or like dead or something. I'm not really sure if I'm even alive, so how the hell do I wake up?

  My body is all floaty and painful and warm. And I'm kind of gaggy or something. Even my brain feels floaty. I'm not sure where I am or if I'm even here, so how do I wake up?

  *****

  “Suzanne, its Kayla. You know me- I’m Kayla Rinaldi from New York. You know my voice. You know my charming New York accent.” Charming? “I know you remember me. I'm unforgettable, remember? I'm gorgeous, and funny, and smartasstic, and sexy as hell, and good in bed, and really, really freakin' tall... Remember?”

  I am so tired of these strangers talking to me all the time. I'm so tired of trying to figure out who they are. God, what can I do to shut them up?

  And why does she want me to know she's so tall? Why the hell do I care if she's tall? Why do I need to know that? Who gives a shit?!

  Why do all tall people feel the need to tower over us vertically challenged individuals? Why do they always lean over us and talk down to us?

  Why do all tall men treat us shorter people like we're less than they are- demanding and taking from us because we couldn't possibly fight their power and height?

  Why do tall women always wear high-heels? It's not like they even need them. Why do they do that? They already know they're tall. They already know they have an advantage. They know they can succeed where we shorter people can't. And yet they wear their heels and flaunt their longer, leaner bodies, and all the success they attain because they had a height advantage to start them off. They even flaunt their tallness to men in a way we shorter women could never do.

  I really think I hate tall people. Is that weird? I wonder why I actually hate them. I don't know but I'm pretty sure it's hate, or maybe it's fear. I'm not sure. But I don't like tall people.

  Tall women are mean and catty because they know they're better than me. And tall men are mean and well, just mean because they know I can't fight them. Huh. I never thought of that before. Why would I fight a tall man?

  Marcus is tall. He's over 6 feet tall, and he’s long and fit and athletic looking, and way taller than me. He always makes fun of me for being short- not that 5'3 is excessively short or anything, but it's short enough to need help with the high cupboards and the high closets.

  5’3 is short enough to be annoying, though not short enough to seem really, really short. Why does Marcus always make fun of me for being short? It’s not like I can change my height.

  I don't think I really thought about it before but Marcus does say comments about me being too 'thick' for my short stature. Marcus has suggested things I should do to erase the extra curves around my middle so I wouldn't look so pear-like. Marcus has told me to lose 30 pounds around my hips and ass to straighten me out a little, just so I wouldn't seem so short.

  Marcus even said that it was too bad I had a big ass because without it I might look like a cute, petite little doll, but sadly, with my huge ass and hips… oh! And my big thighs, I just look more like a short woman carrying around 30 extra pounds on her middle that she couldn't be bothered to lose. Shit! I forgot that too.

  “... Suzanne, please. I miss you and really need to talk to you. Mack is going crazy over you, and I'm going crazy over Mack, and Z is so lost, he's breaking all our hearts, even Kayla's... We're all just so trapped now...”

  Trapped? You're trapped? Jesus Christ lady! I'm the one whose trapped listening to all you people go on and on while I'm trying to sleep, or wake up, or whatever the hell I'm trying to do. As if YOU'RE trapped.

  Oh my god! I wish this lady would just shut the hell up. Her accent is brutal and annoying as hell. What self-respecting New Yawker would ever keep that accent? It's awful!

  Christ! I bet they have speech therapists for that on every street corner in New York. I've even heard there are like 12-step programs for that accent. Maybe I could get her a gift certificate or something...

  “Z's new apartment is waiting for you. He's selling his New York apartment in case, and bought this one in Chicago for you. Don't you want to see it? Wouldn't you like to help Z decorate your new apartment together? Z has left it completely bare for you. I think he bought a couch to sleep on and a coffee maker, but that’s it. He's waiting for you, and I know he's dying to have your help and input...”

  My apartment? What the hell is she talking about?! As if Marcus would ever sell our home for an apartment. No matter how nice, or expensive, or upper class, Marcus would still find an apartment beneath us. Marcus would never buy an apartment. This lady is horribly confused.

  “Z is waiting for you...”

  Oh My God! Just shut up already! Who the hell is Z? Where the hell is Marcus? And how do I get this annoying woman to Shut The Hell Up?!

  I think I need more sleep, or better sleep, or to wake up, or, or something. I need to get out of this nightmare. This feels like a never-ending dream through hell.

  It's like every single thing I hate in life is all in my dream to torture me. Ugh… Brooklyn accents, tall people, angry women, strangers, people talking, darkness, and feeling completely trapped. Shit…

  Why don't I just start dreaming about my mother and really get this party started. Um… actually no.

  I'll take this weird, annoying dream without adding my mother to the mix. Christ! Anything has got to be better than dreaming about my mother.

  Now that I think about it, this lady's Brooklyn accent isn't so bad. I guess it's kind of charming. Kind of.

  Suddenly, I'm jolted by the sensation of being touched. What is that? Oh god. Who's touching me? I hate that. I hate being touched. Why is this happening? I'm still dreaming right?

  CHAPTER 7

  May 10

  Why can't I move or change, or like, be normal or something? I keep hearing people talk. All these strangers come in and out, but nothing changes for me. I see nothing and I barely hear them, but they're always here. It's like this constant buzzing in my head- constant noise but rarely a clear sound.

  Sometimes I hear actual words but I don't understand what they mean, or what they're trying to tell me.

  I hear all these people but I don't know any of them, well, except for Marcus. I know him and I hear him. He seems so sad or maybe tired- I'm not sure which. I know Marcus, but I don't really know this Marcus. Even he seems so strange to me.

  I wish I could just wake up. I wish I could move out of this darkness. I wish I wasn't trapped in this darkness all the time because it makes me kind of tired, even though I think I'm still sleeping. I don't know what to do.

  I don't know how to open this closet door anymore.

  *****

  “Hi, Marcus. How are you?”

  “I’m fine, Kayla. But I really don't want to see you or any of her friends anymore. I'm going to talk to security and have you all banned from her room from now on.”

  “Marcus, you can't ban Mack.”

  “Oh, we'll see. I bet I can.”

  “And her grandfather?”

  “Screw him. Where the hell has he been all these years? I've met the man 4 times in all the years Suzanne and I have been together. He means nothing to us. Suzanne and I know what's what. We know he doesn't love us. We know he's irrelevant. Don't we,
Suzanne?”

  “Marcus, tomorrow isn't going to happen- I guarantee it. There's a new reason to stop this. There’s a new medical reason for this to stop. We have some strange news about Suzanne that we've been waiting to share with you.”

  What?! What about me?

  “It doesn't matter...”

  “Actually Marcus, it DOES matter. Would you like to know what has happened? Maybe you'll feel better about leaving Suzanne alone. Maybe you'll even change your mind about her. Would you like to hear about it?”

  “No, Kayla, I wouldn't. I'll still win no matter what you think you have against me. I'm her husband, and I've already won. Even my lawyer says an appeal by her grandfather and Mack won't help because there's no basis for it. There's no new information from her grandfather or from her ‘best friend’ Mack that can make a difference.”

  “But we have-”

  “You have nothing other than false hope on your side. But I have Suzanne on my side. I know she wants this because she told me. Suzanne doesn't want to be like this anymore.”

  Ha! You're right Marcus. I don't want to be like this anymore.

  “Marcus, I have to show you something.”

  “I'm not interested.”

  “Marcus please. Just look at me for a minute. Just look at what I have here. I'm begging you.”

  “Listen, Kayla, it doesn't matter. There is nothing-”

  “Look Marcus.”

  “What is...? Oh my god... THAT'S NOT TRUE!”

  What?! What's not true?

  “It IS true. This is real, and this is Suzanne.”

  “No, it isn't. It isn't even possible! She wasn’t like that.”

  Like what?!

  “Suzanne was like that, and she would be happy about this.”

  “Actually, she really wouldn't...”

  Holy shit! Marcus is sobbing. What did I do?

  “Marcus-”

  “Get out of here Kayla. NOW! I want to be alone with my wife now. I want to be alone with her. She needs me. Suzanne needs me to stop all this for her. She doesn't want this. She never wanted this.”

  “Marcus, please listen to me. This isn't about you anymore. This is about Suzanne now.”

  “I KNOW THAT! It was always about Suzanne. It's ALWAYS been about Suzanne. Christ! Every minute of every single day with Suzanne has been about Suzanne. But it's too much now. It's too much for us, so I'm helping her. I'm going to make this all go away for her. I'm going to end this now.”

  Make what go away? What did I do? Shit! I thought I was being good here. I thought I was being a good girl, all quiet and still. Being quiet and still is what everyone wants from me. It's what I always do. No one gets mad at me when I'm quiet and still. So what did I do wrong?

  “…Suzanne takes your hand, and she leads you down the river...”

  Oh god, Marcus sounds like he’s moaning.

  “What are you talking about Marcus? What are you singing?”

  “… and you know that she's half crazy, but that's why you want to be there...”

  “Marcus what are you doing?”

  Oh my god... I love this song. Why is Marcus singing it to me? Why is he singing? Marcus only sang this song once to me. One time on our honeymoon, Marcus sang 'Suzanne' and I wept and asked him to stop.

  Marcus knows he can't sing this song to me. Marcus knows I can't hear this song.

  This song is too much for me. This song is too beautiful to me. This song is too beautiful FOR me. I have always known I wasn't enough for him. I have always known THIS Suzanne wasn't great enough for Mr. Cohen’s Suzanne.

  Why is he doing this to me?!

  “Marcus, you're talking a little strangely right now. Would you like to go get a coffee with me? Why don't we just go grab something from the cafeteria for a few minutes? We can come right back if you'd like.”

  “No, I'm fine. But you're not going to be. You have exactly 10 seconds to get the hell out of my face Kayla before I make your life a living hell! Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Do you HEAR ME, Kayla?”

  “Are you threatening me, Marcus?”

  Holy SHIT! What the hell is happening here?

  “Yes I am, Kayla. So get out now, before I fucking hurt you like I'm going to hurt Suzanne.” WHAT?!

  “Okay Marcus, I’ll leave. And thank you.”

  “Thank you for WHAT?! You think I'm just an asshole and a monster.”

  “Yes I do. But you just gave me the ammunition I needed to stop you, so thanks for that! You fucking dickhead!” WHAT?!

  “Kayla, what are you talking about? It's too late!”

  “No, it isn't! HELP! Security!! HELP ME!!!”

  Holy SHIT! Why is she SCREAMING?! Oh god…

  I'm so tired from trying to pay attention, and listening to her screaming is deafening. Listening to Marcus yelling is exhausting.

  What's he going to do to me? Did he hire someone to kill me? Why would he talk so casually about killing me? I'm a good wife and a good person. I do everything right. And Marcus is proud of me for being good. So what’s HAPPENING?

  OH! My mother IS here- I can feel her. She's brushing my hair, and she's smiling at me through the mirror again. Ugh, I can see her bony skeleton hands again. There they are- so white and so thin.

  Dammit, my mother’s hands are around my throat again. My mother’s hands are choking me again.

  Slowly, I feel the pressure as her smile widens. Slowly, I feel her thin fingers pushing into my skin again. Slowly, I feel her fingers tightening around my throat again. Slowly, I feel the panic... Again.

  Why does she always do this to me? I mean she always stops, so why even do it? It makes no sense to me.

  I know she knows I'm scared. I know she knows she scares me. I know she knows I'm afraid of her every time she does this to me. But she always stops. When my eyes close and I push out a hard breath, she always stops strangling me.

  Oh god, why does she stop? I don't get it. Just do it already!

  Still squeezing, my breath is getting harder and harder. Oh! Maybe this time she won't stop. Huh.

  This time she seems like she really wants to keep going. This time I'm really, truly panicked. Maybe this is finally the time she doesn't stop.

  Wait! This time I don't want to close my eyes and stop fighting. This time I want to see her smiling at me. This time I want to watch my mother kill me.

  With a gasp, I open my eyes.

  And staring at Marcus' twisted face, I'm stunned back into my darkness as chaos explodes around me.

  ASLEEP

  CHAPTER 8

  MAY 11

  “Suzanne, its Kayla. Wake up for me again, okay? I want to talk to you for a minute. I just need a minute and then I'll let you go back to sleep. Please talk to me so I know you're really awake, and then you can go back to sleep, I promise.”

  Wow, how strange is that? Who wakes someone up just to let them go back to sleep? Why would I even bother?

  “Suzanne, I've been waiting a long time for you. We all have. Can you try to wake up again and look at me for a minute? Marcus is gone, so you're safe now. And Mack is on his way. Mack should be here with Kayla in a few minutes.”

  Opening my eyes, I try to see through the haze, but everything is really bright. It's like I'm blinded by sunlight. I feel like my face is toward the sun on a hot day. I feel like I can close my eyes and still see the dark shape of the round sun shining behind my eyelids.

  “Suzanne…” she whispers.

  Trying to blink away all the bright, I look closely at the blurry face in front of me. Who is she? And why the hell is she crying AND smiling?

  “God, Suzanne… welcome back. You scared the shit out of me, and I'm trying not to yell at you here. Well, not yet anyway. I'll yell at you a little later, okay?” Huh?

  Staring at this woman, I'm at a complete loss. I don't know her, but she seems to know me. What the hell is she talking about? Why would she yell at me? I haven't done anything wrong yet.

  “Suzanne, its Ka
yla. Can you see me alright? Can you try to speak to me? The feeding tube was just removed, and the doctors are waiting outside to talk to you, but I wanted to talk to you first so you weren't scared.”

  What doctors? Crap! Am I in a hospital? Shit. I hate hospitals. Trying to turn my head takes forever, but eventually I see. Yup, I'm definitely in a hospital, though it looks quite nice. This room doesn't seem like a hospital room much, well, except for all the hospitally-type stuff everywhere.

  “Suzanne, can you please say something. Just say hi if you can, and I'll leave you alone.”

  God, my throat is killing me and I haven't even spoken yet. I know it's going to hurt more as soon as I try to speak, but she looks so happy to see me; I really should try to speak to her.

  Clearing my throat, which just kills, I whisper, “hello...”

  “Oh GOD Suzanne, Hi! Jesus Christ! I never that I'd be so glad to hear your voice again. How do you feel? We only have a minute here because the doctors have to talk to you and examine you, but I'm so glad to see you awake.”

  Bursting into tears, the woman is just beaming at me. Jeez... Who is she? And holy annoying accent.

  “Are you a nurse?” I whisper.

  “Suzanne, it's me Kayla. Can't you see me?”

  “Yes, I see you.”

  “Suzanne, it’s New York Kayla. Remember me?”

  When she looks at me so expectantly, I kind of feel bad for her but I don't think I know her though. Looking hard, I'm sure I don't know her at all actually.